NEW !!! Stories from the Road… FALL TOUR 2004!!

        Okay, we've got a lot of catching up to do. Where have my stories been, you ask? Well I was writing them until I had a complete computer meltdown and lost most of them. I did manage to salvage some of what I was working on, but I was more than a little set back by my crashed laptop experience. Anyway, I apologize to everyone for my story hiatus. I'll tell you more about my sad computer saga later…
        First, let's get you all up-to-date with what's been going on "on the road with the Push Stars." The following is written in three parts: 1) What's going on with the current tour, 2) Some highlights from our last tour, and 3) The complete story of how my psychotic computer tried to destroy my life.

Enjoy!
Dan

PART 1: The Martin Sexton Tour

        Before we started the tour opening for Martin, we did some of our own headlining shows from Boston to Pittsburgh. We went back to our four-piece set up, which includes Scott Leslie on keyboards, because we weren't doing as many "full-rock" shows and therefore our man Hugh McGowan's full rock power was unnecessary - this time. We love you, Hugh! (you'll read more about him later).
        Our first gig was at our old stomping ground the Middle East in Cambridge, MA. I guess you can say we got some of our tour bad luck out of the way that night because about thirty seconds after we parked our van it got towed. Well, at least they attempted to tow it but couldn't because Ryan ran back and hopped in, although they charged us a hundred bucks anyway. The conversation went something like this:

First night of the tour:

OBNOXIOUS BOSTON TOW GUY: "Hey, get the frick outta the caah, ya can't paaak heea.."
RYAN: The club told us to paaak heea.."
OBNOXIOUS TOW GUY: "Yeah? Well I gotta tow ya anyway!"
RYAN: "Yeah, well you can't tow us if I'm sitting in it!"
OBNOXIOUS TOW GUY'S SIDE KICK: "He's right, Joe. Ya can't."
OBNOXIOUS TOW GUY: "Shaddup, who asked you! Now get outta da caah!"
RYAN: "C'mon man, we have a show to play. Give us a break."
OBNOXIOUS TOW GUY (mockingly): "Oh, you have a SHOW to play. Tell you what Mr. rock staaah, give me a hundred bucks and I'll put the caah down."
OBNOXIOUS TOW GUY'S SIDE KICK: "Yeah, give us a hundred bucks.
RYAN (sigh): "Oh boy…"

        Just then the club manager appeared and straightened everything out. We still had to pay the hundred bucks, but we didn't get the van towed thanks to Ryan's quick thinking. And no one got hurt - which is a good thing. Oh and the show went well, which is a good thing, too.

        Our next headlining show was at the Forum in Kingston, NY (near my hometown of Poughkeepsie) during what turned out to be significant remnants of Hurricane Ivan. Kingston fans were not deterred, though, and came out in full force. Upstate NY people never really had to worry about hurricanes. We barely ever had any wind. Maybe that's why I could never fly a kite as a kid. Anyway, our friends Red Letter, another band from Boston, came out to open for us and played a great set. Although they were a little taken aback when they saw the club, which holds about 200 people:

RED LETTER: "Is this the right place?"
THE PUSH STARS: "Yup."
RED LETTER: "Oh… We thought we were playing 'The Forum'".
THE PUSH STARS: "This is 'The Forum'"
RED LETTER: "Oh…. Okay…Well, I guess we were expecting like, you know, the 'Forum', you know, like a stadium or something. You know, The Forum!'"
THE PUSH STARS: "Umm, yeah, well we usually do play stadiums, but we like to keep it real by playing small clubs sometimes."
RED LETTER: "Riiiiight…"

        After Kingston we shuffled off to Buffalo, NY. As a joke I told Red Letter that we were playing "Madison Square Garden", to see if they would believe it. Actually we played a place called the Continental, an old Buffalo rock club with a lot of "charm". Come to think of it, most places we play have a lot of "charm". And by "charm" I mean something totally opposite. In fact, most of the rock-and-roll clichés don't really say what they mean. I thought of some examples, if you, gentle reader, would be so kind and patient to allow me to share them with you now:


ROCK AND ROLL CLICHÉ VS. ACTUAL MEANING

"This club has a lot of charm."
"This place is a real dump."

"Are you ready to rock??"
"C'mon people, liven up a little!"

"It's great to be here in 'CITY NAME'"
"Maybe if we mention your town, you might wake up and listen to us!"

"Dressing room"
"Spare janitor's closet."

"Hospitality"
"A bottle of water and maybe, if you're lucky, a working toilet."

"The opening band has a good draw."
"The opening band draws NO ONE."

"We make a good living at this."
"We get paid in booze."

"We do this for the love of the music."
"Yeah. Now where's that booze at?"

"Roadie"
"Guy who hangs out with the band and works for free, hoping to score groupies."

"Groupie"
"Girl who hangs out with roadies, hoping to score band members."

"House sound-guy"
"Disgruntled musician"

"Musician"
"Disgruntled rock star"

"Rock star"
"Disgruntled actor"

"Actor"
"Disgruntled politician"

"Politician"
"Disgruntled gigolo"

"Gigolo"
"Disgruntled house sound-guy"

"Who's your agent, anyway?"
"Why the hell are you playing here?"

"We try to eat healthy on the road."
"We eat Arby's and Waffle House."

"We're selling CD's over there."
"We desperately need your cash."

"We're on the road again!"
"We don't have to get a real job yet!"

"Free bird!!"
"I'm a stupid, out-of-touch hick!!"

"Van"
"Mobile prison cell"

"Stories from the road"
"Unfunny, obtuse ramblings"


        After Buffalo we went to Pittsburgh and then Rochester, because we don't like to do anything easy. In Pittsburgh our show was videotaped by a Czechalsl. Chzecklys, Checkalslovok, … Russian guy named Sosha. Apparently, he had taped a lot of famous shows over the years and we were lucky enough to be among them. After the show he interviewed us with questions like. "You like the rock-and-roll, no?" However, I'm not quite sure how legit this was because 1) the camcorder didn't seem to have a tape OR batteries in it and 2) he was in a mad rush to catch the midnight bus home.

        The next night we had a great show in Rochester with our friends Burning Daylight opening. It was a good time. Ryan got his hair done special for the occasion. That is all.

        Moving right along, our first gig of the tour with Martin Sexton was in Toronto. As usual we had some apprehension about crossing the border, even though we were really doing nothing wrong. But for some reason we're always nervous that we'll be detained. So for this occasion we always have even-keeled and innocent looking Dave Glaser at the wheel to face the border police. Five scruffy guys from different states, a trailer full of God-knows-what, a shady, tinted-window15 passenger van - no problem! After talking to Dave (aka mild mannered Bruce Banner who never turns into the Hulk), the border police are convinced that we are all saints, going to Canada on a peaceful outing and let us go through without incident. It's no wonder that Dave is also good at poker.
        That night we played a packed theatre in Toronto called Lee's Palace. Martin was amazing, as usual, but even better than I remember and very welcoming to have us on tour with him. We immediately got along and knew it was going to be a fun tour, despite the fact that Chris kept calling him "Marvin" by accident.

        Cleveland. What can I say that hasn't already been said? If only heaven were like this place. Wait a minute, what if Cleveland was heaven? Then we would say things like, "It's like I died and went to Cleveland!" or, "Cleveland must be missing an angel!" Seriously, for most people on earth Cleveland is like heaven. I mean, they've never been there, hope not to have to go there anytime soon, yet have heard that it exists even though they haven't seen proof. The only thing missing in the Cleveland vs. Heaven comparison is the "paradise" aspect, but they're working on that. That brings me to my next point: if Cleveland is heaven where is hell? I'm not sure, but I suspect it might be somewhere in New Jersey. Do I digress too much? Yes.

        Next night, Chicago. Great city, terrible baseball team. Scott Leslie, hometown hero, doesn't like to talk about the Cubs. But that's okay; Chicago still has a lot going for them. Anyway, we played Park West, a beautiful venue that was packed with people, including Scott's entire family. So it was especially funny (and embarrassing, which is funny too) when Chris introduced Scott to the crowd like this: "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Chicago's own SCOTT LESLIE! And ladies, Scott is now STD-free!" Scott turned a shade of red that doesn't seem humanly possible. He is still plotting his revenge against Chris.
        After the show we went to the "Weiner Circle", a legendary hot dog joint where it is customary to get verbally abused while ordering your food. Of course, you can respond by hurling your own insults back at the employees, but this is ill advised in that they are much more skilled at ridicule and will most likely crush you in a war of words. Therefore the best thing to do, in my experience, is to gracefully accept the abuse along with your hot dog and be on your way. Or just stand back and watch other patrons get mercilessly berated by the staff. Now that's what I call a good time!

        Where the hell is Davenport, Iowa? Who cares? (Just kidding) It's actually surprisingly easy to find. The venue was pretty small, slightly resembling a town hall meeting room for councilmen. Between sets there was a vote passed to install a stop sign on the corner of Elm and Walnut. Ryan voted against it.
        Despite the small crowd, I have to say it was one of the best crowds of the tour. Our set-list was pretty good too, and we subsequently referred back to it whenever we played to similar crowds. We met a really nice couple who said they dropped everything on a cross-country trip fifteen years ago, settled there and opened a restaurant right on the Mississippi River. Then they invited us to come by the restaurant the next morning for brunch. Can you guess what we did? That's right, the Push Stars will NEVER turn down a free meal. It was delicious. Delicious and free! Thank you nice people of Davenport!

        Martin rocked the house in Madison. Chris got up and sang "Glory Bound" with him, as he would end up doing for most of the shows of the tour. The crowd seemed to like it, too. Martin's crowds really like to harmonize when he asks them to sing along. It really becomes a group effort on some songs, especially "Black Sheep", when he asks all the angels to sing "bye, bye black sheep…." The crowd really gets into it. I'll tell you, we never got tired of watching him perform; always very entertaining and never the same show twice. He's something else, that Marvin Sexsmith!

        After a few days off and a "wheel-flying-off-the-trailer" disaster, which happens at least once a tour, we headed to Minneapolis to play the Pantages Theatre. Minneapolis is another one of our favorite cites, although we couldn't hang out after the show because we had to start our drive that night towards Indianapolis. What a drive.
        You know, you get to learn a lot about one another during long drives like that. For instance, I learned that Scott doesn't like to be jabbed repeatedly in the forehead with the blunt end of a pen. Also, Chris likes coffee, but he doesn't like it when you "accidentally" pour coffee into his shoe. Dave Glaser likes, no loves, trail mix. He doesn't, however, like it when you secretly spike it with small shreds of Chinese hot peppers. Ryan doesn't like it when Chris is driving and refuses to stop to let him pee. Dan doesn't like it when someone throws out his paper before he gets the chance to do the crossword puzzle. Ryan doesn't like it when Dan leaves his newspapers all over the van. But what Ryan doesn't know is that Chris and Scott also buy the newspaper. What Dave doesn't know is that Ryan really likes hot peppers. What Scott doesn't know is that his loud phone voice is deafening to the rest of us in the van, inspiring an occasional jab to the forehead to quiet him down. What Ryan doesn't know is that Chris likes to make all his stops at once: gas, pee, food, etc, to be more efficient and would prefer it if Ryan could just pee into an Aquafina bottle. Ryan doesn't want to and Scott and Dave feel that he shouldn't have to. Dan feels that a side of the road pee might be a good compromise but generally favors a proper plumbing facility over a water bottle. Everyone drinks coffee, so the coffee in the shoe incident might have been caused by anyone, but Chris is starting to suspect Ryan and the horrible possibility that it wasn't coffee after all. Anyway, after 14 hours of this in-fighting we made it to Indianapolis. We got out of the van, tired, grumpy and stiff muscles, but once we got out and stretched a little we were ready to rock. It's a good thing we play music as an outlet. One more hour in that van and someone might not have made it. After all, we are living proof that music is therapeutic.

        During our time off between the east coast and west coast legs of the tour we were invited to Washington, DC to tape a performance on XM radio. While we were there we got a tour of the complex, which was amazing. In the studio we taped about eight or nine songs, but the most interesting to me was an acoustic version of "At Sea" off the new album because we had to "relearn" it. The last time we played it as a band was about four years ago when we recorded it. So if you don't like the performance when you hear it - that's our excuse.

        So I had to fly again to the west coast on my new favorite airline, jetBlue. That's right I'm endorsing them. They make it as easy as it can be to fly but I still have some unsettling emotions and anxieties about flying that I need to get off my chest.
        The first thing I do when I get on a plane is greet the staff as they are welcoming everyone on board. I take this opportunity to look the pilot in the eye and try to assess two things, 1) His will to live. Do not get onto a plane if the pilot appears depressed and suicidal, 2) His confidence and experience. It's not a good sign if he's doing some last minute brushing up on the manual and/or sweating.
        After I take my seat I sit patiently through the litany of instructions about what to do in the case of a water "landing". I have to confess that although I've sat through countless numbers of safety talks, I can guarantee I wouldn't know the first thing to do in case of an actual emergency because I usually just sit there and "zone out" during the instructions. I mean, where the hell is the life vest again? Under the seat? In the overhead compartment? Where is it? And what was I supposed to do with that gas mask thingy? The hell if I remember! I have no idea. Aaaah, where are the exits?? I should have paid attention!
        After take-off I can't relax until I hear the calm, cool and collected voice of the pilot come over the PA system. I think the first thing you learn in pilot school is how to talk calmly, no matter what the situation. "Folks we're just hitting a few bumps, here. Just sit back and relax and we're going to get us out of this turbulence in a few moments. Meanwhile, I'm going to go ahead and put that fasten seat belt sign on." A few bumps? Right, so is that why there's coffee in my hair? And then when we're about to land the pilot comes on and says, "Folks, we'll have you on the ground shortly." "We'll have you on the ground??" I'd prefer it if they didn't phrase it that way. I mean, that could mean a lot of things. Well, anyway that's all I have to say about that. Thankfully I made it through another flight and landed safely in California.

        By the time we got to the west coast the Red Sox were on their way to a three game deficit to the Yankees in the ALCS playoffs. San Juan Capistrano was our first gig and even though we were glad to be out of the east coast weather, we were greeted with much of the same. Yes, that's right southern California was for the most part cold and rainy! Just our luck. The locals were saying that it hadn't rained in six months. We show up in our shorts, sunglasses and T-shirts and it pours. Bad sign. Or was it? Maybe this was just one in a long string of odd events that would eventually lead to the Red Sox breaking the curse of the Bambino. Yeah right. But hey, you never know.

        The next night in Solana Beach the crowd almost rioted when the club turned off the big-screen TV in the 11th inning of game 4 when the Red Sox were trying to break the tie and win the game. Martin actually waited until the game was over to play. It seemed that everyone was now a Red Sox fan. There was pandemonium when the Red Sox did win it and managed to stay alive for another game. Actually most of the people cheering for the Sox were either underdog sympathizers or Yankee-haters. Although it was easy to tell who the real Red Sox fans were: they were the ones kissing the ground and crying after the win.

        Our day off in San Diego was spent watching the six-hour marathon game five, as the Red Sox were once again victorious in extra innings. This, of course, brought us to game six at the House of Blues in Los Angeles. Now we were in a situation where we couldn't go on until after the game because the whole crowd was fixated on the large screen TV in front of the stage. But miraculously the Sox pulled it off again. Their timing couldn't have worked out better for us because we hit the stage literally seconds after the Sox tied up the series. As soon as we came on we said, "Hey, we're the Push Stars from BOSTON!" and got a huge applause. At that point we could've opened with a reggae version of "We Built This City on Rock and Roll" and they would have loved us either way. Great act to follow.

        We were in San Francisco at the legendary Fillmore when the Sox clinched the ALCS title. We had to play this time before the game was over, so there was a guy on his cell phone in the front row constantly checking the score. After every song he'd give us an update. When they did win the crowd was electric and once again passed those good vibes onto us. It's funny to see this countrywide support for the previously hapless Red Sox come alive no matter where we played. Scott played "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" on the organ at random times. Scott Leslie, a little more out of control than usual. But hey, he had a good reason. Everyone was celebrating.
        The World Series that followed, though, was kind of an anti-climactic letdown in a way. Either the two teams were grossly mismatched or some psycho Red Sox fan secretly drugged the Cardinals' chewing tobacco with anti-coordination pills. Hey, you have your theories I have mine. And that's all I'm going to say about baseball. Now, back to rock-and-roll!

        Ashland, Oregon. Or as I like to call it: "The Hippiest Place on Earth." I think they skipped the fight to legalize marijuana and went straight to making it mandatory for all citizens. But it's all good, dude. Sweet. Very beautiful town, too. If you're ever driving through you should stop in for a visit. We ate at a really great British-style pub. We had bangers and mash, fish and chips and the Ploughman's lunch. Sounds appetizing, huh? Actually it is.

        The next day Martin recommended a place to stop and eat in a little town in Washington, so we did. Throughout the tour Martin, usually traveling ahead of us, would call and recommend a cool place to eat. We stopped at this really old-fashioned diner that we probably would've missed otherwise. I like places where the waitress calls you "hon" and has the coffee pot ready for you as soon as you walk in. That's the great part about touring, the local food experiences. You don't always make good decisions, though. Like, for instance, it's a good idea to avoid eating at an all-you-can-eat sushi place in Alabama. Just a little something to consider the next time you travel.
        The Seattle show at Neumo's was a lot of fun, probably one of our more rocking shows. The crowd seemed to especially like us that night. So, as we do after every show, we went out by the merchandise table to talk to fans and sign stuff, etc. Usually when we do this, we get a lot of comments and advice from fans. Many times the advice is similar from town to town, so I thought I'd share with you some of the more popular tips:

HELPFUL ADVICE FROM VARIOUS FANS

"You guys should get your songs on the radio."
"Why are you guys playing here? You should play the Pepsi Arena"
"You guys should consider doing a video and getting it played on MTV or VH1."
"You guys need to have a hit song."
"Why don't you guys try to get in a movie or a TV show?"
"You guys should travel in a bus, it would be a lot easier."
"You guys should all dress in matching jump-suits."
"You guys should tour with someone really big, like, say, Matchbox Twenty."
"You guys would be huge in Europe. Have you played Europe your music?"
"You guys should sign with a bigger label, like Sony or Capitol."
"You guys should play our big Hits 97.5 Summer Rock Festival."
"You guys need a gimmick."
"You guys should play Letterman. Why do you keep turning him down?"

        Once again, thanks to all who have voiced their concerns and suggestions to us. We'll try to act on them as best we can. I just can't believe why we haven't thought of all this stuff in the first place!

        Uh oh, time to go to Canada again. Better put Dave up in the driver's seat. No problem:

STERN CANADIAN BORDER PATROL OFFICER: "Stop right there! What's your business in Canada, eh?"
DAVE: (cool as a cucumber) "Good afternoon, officer. We're just going sight-seeing, uh I mean bird-watching today in your lovely country."
OFFICER: "Yeah, eh? And what's all this with the van and the trailer and five suspicious guys?"
DAVE: "Oh, that's simple officer. We have some luggage, some picnic food and some bird-watching supplies. We're all members of the, uh, North American Audubon Society."
OFFICER: "Do you have any drugs, weapons or contraband items?"
DAVE: "Oh, heavens no officer. We just want to go bird-watching is all!"
OFFICER: (suspiciously) "Bird-watching you say, eh? And what sort of bird do you hope to spot in Canada?"
DAVE: "Uh, well, you know, the usual ones; the Yellow-Bellied Blue Head, the Split-Feather Canadian Swallow Geese…Bird, uh the St. Louis Cardinal, the Baltimore Oriole, birds like that."
OFFICER: "Oh. I see. Okay then. Carry on. Have a good time, eh!"
DAVE: (Driving away) "Thanks officer!"
OFFICER: (Waving) "Okay, Bye now!"
OFFICER: (to himself) "Wait a minute… the Baltimore Oriole? In Canada?" Hey!"

        This went surprisingly smooth considering that, if they wanted to, the police could have detained us for hours and gone through every single item in the van and trailer making our lives miserable, and quite possibly making us miss our show. But with "Grace-under-pressure Glaser" at the helm, this was all but a non-issue for us. By the way, Dave has subsequently earned the nickname "Laser" for his razor-sharp judgment. From here on, each time he succeeds at something we all chant, "LASER! LASER! LASER!" with our fists in the air.

        Our next show was in Portland, Oregon at the beautiful Aladdin Theatre. Boy did they treat us well that night. We rarely ever get our full rider (meaning, our hospitality rider; stuff we request backstage like the green m&m's, etc.) This time we got a full deli tray, chips and salsa, Irish whisky, beer, soda, water and an actual fully functional bathroom! Is this living or what? I remember watching Martin's show and thinking it was especially good that night, and that wasn't just the Irish whisky talking. Once again, Chris got up and sang a harmony on "Glory Bound". Afterwards we went out to the merchandise table and met a group of college kids who invited us to a raging frat party. But we couldn't make it because we were too busy enjoying our deli tray, protein bars and chips and salsa. We had the next two days off so we packed up all the leftover food and took it to Salt Lake City. Unfortunately, the deli tray did not survive the trip. (Yuck!)

        When we got to Salt Lake City, we found a unique hotel/apartment suites complex for really cheap, I mean cheaper than the Super 8 even. Each room was equipped with a little kitchenette and the place had a pool, racquetball court, laundry room, gym, etc, etc. It was almost too good to be true. Scott had a theory that it was actually run by a religious cult and that we'd all be drinking cool aid before the end of our stay. I didn't care; it was a great way to spend a day off. So what if I had to bow to Moon-Ray-Butterfly, almighty God of the planet Q-99 from time to time? I mean the place was really nice!
        We were amazed at the response of the crowd in Salt Lake. I think this one beat Davenport as our best show of the tour. Maybe Chris' lyrics strike a chord with Mormons, or anti-Mormons? I couldn't tell if people were just blowing off steam and rebelling against all the strict Utah laws, or maybe celebrating the marriage of their fifth wife, I don't know. I don't get it. Whatever it was, it didn't matter because they seemed to be having a great time. Good for them. It's a great feeling to play a show and have the crowd really appreciate it.
        Backstage after our show, Ryan found an old pie that was left sitting around. The club manager said that it was left over from a couple of days ago and he didn't know where it came from or what to do with it. Ryan knew exactly what to do with it. What else do you do with an old pie? Egged on by Martin, who, as we found out, is a real troublemaker, Ryan waited patiently for Chris to enter through the backstage door. Soon the unsuspecting lead singer walked through the door and SMASH, a pie right in the face! (There are pictures somewhere that captured the event, I swear). Then I, sensing an opportunity for more tomfoolery, picked up what remained of the pie and waited for Scott to walk through the same door. Then, as if on cue, in walks happy-go-lucky Scott, "Hey everybody! What's going on in h - " WHAM! Right in the face! It wasn't long before everyone involved was covered with dessert. Afterwards we went to the merch table and we got some new advice: "You guys should bathe more often!"

        Gasp! It's really hard to breathe in Denver. The altitude makes it hard to do the simplest tasks, like walking, talking, etc., so you can imagine how winded we got playing our usual rock-and-roll all-out extravaganza concert. Anyway, right after the show we were just plain too tired to do anything else so we went back and crashed at our familiar old Motel 6 for the night. And what a letdown that was, after staying at the cult compound in Salt Lake City. But it's not so bad I guess. I mean, Tom Bodett does leave the light on for us. So there's the occasional bloodstain on the carpet, so what? That doesn't necessarily mean that someone was murdered there. And so what if every foul odor that ever existed is present in each room, what do you expect for $39 bucks a night? And what's all this hubbub about heat? We don't need it! Mints on the pillow? Forget about it. Clean sheets? Over-rated! I'll tell you, the Motel 6 may not be perfect, but it sure beats sleeping in the van.

        The next night at the Aggie Theatre in Fort Collins, Colorado, Martin requested that Chris sing his favorite Push Stars song, "Silvertown". So we put it on the set-list that night as Chris' solo acoustic song. When it came time for him to perform it, the rest of us went down to the dressing room where Martin was just kind of humming along. "Hey, why don't you get out there and sing a harmony with Chris? It'll really surprise him," we suggested. After a little prodding and a quick refresher of the lyrics (which we got wrong, oops) Martin made his way to the stage and improvised a beautiful harmony. The crowd loved it. Chris was enraged and ordered security to remove Martin at once, screaming, "How DARE he upstage me!!" Okay, I made that last part up.
        Anyway, Fort Collins is even higher in elevation than Denver, or at least it felt that way. They say you should drink a lot of water at high altitudes to avoid dehydration, so we did. But drinking lots of water increased the amount of pee stops we needed to take, which led to us wandering aimlessly around the rest stops, browsing while we waited for everyone else to pee. This, of course, inevitably led to "impulse buys" at those rest stops, some of which made us think later, "What were we thinking??"

WHAT WERE WE THINKING? CRAZY REST STOP IMPULSE BUYS

Chris - A large white T-shirt with an airbrushed picture of a wolf with the caption, "Wyoming - Born to be Wild"
Ryan - "Bombs Away: Fire in the Hole, Burn-a-licious" chewing gum. Also, sushi flavored potato chips.
Dan - Self-destructing sunglasses. (Designed to last for five miles from point of purchase). Also, the highly unpopular Tony Robbins self-help tape: "You're a Hopeless Idiot. Even I Can't Save You!"
Scott - Raccoon Jerky. Solar powered flashlight. Zipper repair kit.
Dave - A very rare DVD of an old movie starring John Wayne and the Three Stooges entitled, "Meet Me at High Noon, You Numbskull!"

        After Colorado we had another monster drive down to Kansas City, Missouri. This was our last show with Martin so we basically said our goodbyes throughout the night. We had one more meal together, this time right in our dressing room/ renovated janitor's closet. We all ordered some good ole' Gates Kansas City baby back ribs, beans and coleslaw. Mmm, mmm good. Nothing quite like it.
        The place was packed that night and we played to a very enthusiastic crowd, definitely a good way to go out on the tour with Martin. It was another one of those nights where we would have loved to hang and chat with people but we had to start another long drive, this time to Texas. So we said our goodbyes to Martin, his super-cool wife Georgeanne and Jake, the merch seller and all around righteous dude. We can't thank them enough for making our time on the road so much easier, so much fun and so much more memorable. Also, it was great to play the finest venues in the country and to some of the most amazing crowds, an opportunity which we really appreciated and will always remember. Thanks again guys, we love you!!!

        Now we were on our own and headed to Texas. Not just Texas, but Beaumont, Texas - and on Halloween no less. I couldn't tell if it was a really weird town, or if it was just that way because people were dressed up for Halloween. I asked around and most of the townsfolk claimed that they don't look like that all year. I believed them, sort of. Very nice folks, though. The people that owned the bar were great to us. They put us up in a nice hotel, fed us some authentic Cajun food and then treated us to a Mexican brunch the next day. Those were some cool people in Beaumont. The rest of the town… well, let's just say the jury's still out on them. We'll see. If they're still dressed like that in July then we have a problem.

        Okay, it was snowing in Texas today as we were driving along route 10. That's right, Texas. Snowing. As bizarre as this may seem, it was even more bizarre that we all simultaneously broke into a new version of "Winter Wonderland" called, what else: "Texas Wonderland". Check it out.


"Texas Wonderland"
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Cow bells ring, are you listening?
On the cactus, snow is glistening
A very weird sight, we're baffled tonight
Driving through a Texas Wonderland

Gone away, is the dry heat
Here to stay, is the snow and sleet
Something is wrong, as we roll along
Driving through a Texas Wonderland

In the desert we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is Sheriff Brown
He'll say are you Texan we'll say no man
Then get your Yankee asses out of town!

Later on, we'll drink Corona
By the pool, in Arizona
Crazy it seems, or was it a dream?
Driving through a Texas Wonderland…

Driving through that crazy Texas Wonderland!


        The next gig was at Plush in Tucson, Arizona. There were about twelve people there, so we were a little bummed out about the turnout. But then we found out that ten of them belonged to the local chapter of TRAMPS, or "Tucson Regional Area Multiple Personality Society". This meant that each person there had about six personalities. After doing some quick math, we figured that there were actually about sixty-two people at our show, which made us feel a lot better. Unfortunately, the club promoter didn't pay us accordingly so we felt we were ripped off, but what are you gonna do? We played a full rock show anyway, as a sort of dress rehearsal for the big LA show the next day. Dave Glaser got up and played guitar on "Over You" and did a ripping guitar solo. A guy who called himself "Vinnie", a cross-dressing Cab driver from Jersey, told Dave it sounded "really awesome". It did, too. Overall, the crowd seemed to have a good time and everything went pretty smoothly. Except when that one girl got into an argument with herself. That's when things got a little ugly.

        Well, it was time to wrap up our tour with our final show at the Troubadour in Los Angeles. We were excited about this one because it can be considered one of our "hometown" shows, like Boston, Buffalo, Poughkeepsie and Chicago. Most of our friends came out of the woodwork and made an appearance, including our ingenious and creative producer of "Paint The Town", Greg Collins, who has recently moved on to work with U2, a gig he no doubt landed as soon as word got out about his involvement with the Push Stars. Also, Abe Baruck, our manager, was there with bells on. Abe has been working very hard to keep us alive and kicking, trying to put in action all the advice from everyone that wants to see us on MTV. Thanks Abe, and thanks for your constant support! Linda Good, vocalist on "Paint The Town" made a special appearance on stage to sing a harmony on "Freedom". Kevin Williams, trombonist on "Boston Girl" and recently relocated to LA from Boston, played with us for a couple of tunes as well and once again stole all of our spotlight. Mike Krebs, our former booking agent who is now booking the Staples Center (never heard of it) came out and supported us like he always does. Nice to see you Mike! Thanks to all of our other friends who showed up as well, some of whom I can't mention here because it might blow their cover with the authorities. You know who you are.
        Before the show we did an in-store at Tower Records on Sunset Boulevard to a nice handful of shoppers. The employees at Tower were awesome and made a really cool display for us, which we ended up using as our backdrop for the show at the Troubadour.
        So before I end this section of the "Notes…", I have to first say a big thanks to Dave Glaser and Scott Leslie.
        First of all, the reason we always sound so good is because Dave not only has a ton of experience and talent first as a musician, but as a sound engineer, so he really understands what we are supposed to sound like. Also, Dave's attitude and spirit is almost always positive (except when someone spikes his trail mix with shredded Chinese hot peppers), and his work ethic is amazing. Dave has been a blessing to us and we couldn't have nearly pulled off the tours without him. But most importantly, Dave is a great musician and songwriter (check out his album "Reunion" - which I co-produced…ahem, ahem). Almost every night Dave would bring his acoustic guitar into his hotel room and play music with whoever wanted to join him that night. Dave is a constant reminder to us that we have the gift of music and that you get much more from it if you use it as often as possible. Music, as Dave puts it, is one of the most important things in life and good for the soul. Thanks Dave, for all of your talent, hard work and energy. We appreciate it more than you know.
      Then there's Scott Leslie. Classically trained child prodigy frat guy hopeless romantic sports nut. Who can figure him out? I know one thing, his heart's definitely in the right place. Scott has consistently been there for us in so many more ways that most people realize. Sure, he's kicking ass on the keyboards nightly, but he's also booking hotels, getting paid, setting up merchandise and performing various other duties. Not only that, but Scott has been a good friend and partner in the van as well as constant source of amusement for me. You see, Scott tends to knock things over. Like that time he knocked over that big display sign at that one rest stop, remember that Scott? Everybody had a good laugh, including Scott, which is what's great about him. As the youngest member of the team he takes the most abuse, but he is also able to laugh at himself. If you can't do that, you can't survive on the road. Scott Leslie, a talented, loyal and fun member of the Push Stars touring ensemble. Thanks for everything Scott!
      Well, that wraps up this section of the stories. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of our tour in every way. Thanks to Chris and Ryan for being my friends and partners and for their all-out rocking on stage. It has been fun; it's always fun to play and I couldn't imagine doing it without these guys. So we made it through another tour and nobody got hurt, amazing. That says something about our sanity. But after reading these stories I'll leave that up to you, the reader, to decide exactly what it says about our sanity. Or on second thought, I don't really want to know.


        Coming Up…

        * Highlights from the Great Big Sea Tour and the following Spring Tour
        * The evil laptop saga (a must read!)

October 20, 2003: On Tour with Matchbox Twenty -- Part II
(Check out the pictures!)

Somewhere on the road through the vast expanse of Canada, Pete, our bus driver made a routine stop to refuel. What happened next can only be described as hilarious. Hilarious to everyone, of course, except Pete. To try and describe it in my own words would be an injustice, therefore I will try and paraphrase Pete's own recounting of the story on that fateful morning in Quebec*.

(*Note: Imagine Yosemite Sam's voice and mannerisms, minus the gun shooting)

"Ya'll see what happened to me this mornin'? Well I'll be horn suckled in a cow's ass if that wasn't the damnedest thing I ever saw. See, I'm out there tryin' a pump some damn gas, and this hair-brained, nit-witted clerk ain't turnin' on the pump. So I yell, 'TURN ON THE PUMP, ya' horse-faced twit!' All of a sudden, like a shot from a twelve gauge, double barrel rifle, the gas comes a-shootin' out a the pump and soaks me from head to toe. So I'm screamin' like a hyena, runnin' around like a raccoon on fire. Meanwhile, the gas is shootin' all over the place and I'm tryin' to shake it off but it keeps splashin' me. So I yell, 'TURN OFF THE PUMP, ya scatter-brained, horn-toothed idiot!' Finally they turn off the gas but I'm still soaked like a two-bit codger in a slop bucket. So I strip down, right there in the lot, to my nekked self. That's right, my God-given birthday suit. I ain't give a rat's behind who sees me, I wanna put some dry dang clothes on. Just then a trucker pulls in, stares at me with my apples and banana hangin' out there and says, 'Hey fella, you want a ride?' So I says, 'You better get outta here before I knock out your last tooth, ya yellow-bellied varmint!" So he drives off. I get dressed and start drivin' some more. And that's what happened this morning while y'all were sleeping!"

Trying not to laugh while he told the story was not an option. We all burst out into hysterics as Pete threw his arms down and went back to the drivers seat. "The things I go through for you guys, ya fiddle-playing pansy-pants!"


We arrived in London next. When our bus pulled up there were throngs of people ready to greet us but they were upset to learn that we weren't Matchbox Twenty. They started taunting us, "Who the Hell are you guys? Where's Rob Thomas? You guys suck, etc. etc." After the mob cleared we got out of the bus to check out the town a little. Chris kept asking where Big Ben was and why it wasn't foggy. I had to keep explaining that we were in London, Ontario, not England. I think he was let down a little. I remember we had the same problem when we played Rome, NY.

We got back to our dressing room to find our usual assortment of catering and hospitality, including the granola bars, the chips and salsa, the beer, the veggie tray and the rice dream. Yes, that's right, I said "rice dream." This was a special request from Abe, our tour manager. Every night the catering crew searched high and low for this specialty drink, which basically tastes like rice pudding liquefied and poured into a cardboard box. Sounds appetizing, huh? I like to call it "Rice Nightmare." But Abe had to have it. Every night. And every night he would take one sip and bring the carton on the bus. By the end of the tour there were dozens of almost full boxes of rice dream going bad. I think Abe's plan was to take a bath in it some day. Other than that, I think most of our requests were fairly reasonable.

PUSH STARS HOSPITALITY RIDER SPECIAL REQUESTS

DAN:

Yogurt, with EXACTLY eleven blueberries in each container. The catering people never once got it right. The closest they ever got was one with twelve blackberries. I ended up throwing a fit nightly.

Billy Beer", circa 1978.

1 (one) Boston Cream donut from Dunkin' Donuts

CHRIS:

Himalayan goat cheese spread on sesame seed crackers WITHOUT the sesame seeds.

1 (one) case of Mello Yello soft drink.

Candy corn.

RYAN:

1983 Saint Emelion Merlot in a Waterford goblet. You should have seen the riot when they brought it to him in Lenox fine glassware.

1 (one) Japanese blowfish, cut to perfection and served in a fine sushi roll.

MOYER:

1 (one) glass of tap water. (very reasonable)

ABE:

Rice dream ???!!!??? (Come on, now)


The show that night was a lot of fun. We started playing a song that Matt Beck had never heard before called "Meltaway". During sound check Matt played along with us and then decided we would play it that night. He's a fast learner and he never makes mistakes. It's amazing; he's flawless. If it weren't for his emotional playing I would have to assume that he's some kind of musical robot, like a mus-bot or something. I was convinced one night when I was drunk and tried to rip his face off to see if there were wires under there. He thought I was crazy, although he did admit that it wasn't the first time that someone tried to rip his face off.

After every show we went up by the merchandise booth to sign autographs. We couldn't believe the line - it seemed like a mile long. Then we noticed the sign behind us said "BEER SOLD HERE." So we moved to where we were supposed to sit. The line was still pretty long, though, and we were there for a while meeting, greeting and signing. Up in Canada, everyone kept saying that it was great that we covered the Great Big Sea song "Everything Shines." After a while we started believing it, too. When we tried to tell them it was originally our song all they could say was, "Eh? What's that all aboot? It's not your song, eh?" Finally we just gave in.

Well, it was time to leave Canada and the only thing we had to do was remain calm through customs. Abe was a little nervous about it but we assured him we would be fine. Then we all went to sleep, except Pete who was driving.

Around 4 AM, I woke up from a peaceful sleep while a Canadian border patrol officer stared at me in my bunk, shining a flashlight. He looked at my license, then back at me.

"This is Dan," Abe said quickly.

"Nice to meet you," I mumbled, half asleep.

The border guy kept looking at me suspiciously; then back at my license.

"We're not smuggling anything, your honor…"

Abe laughed nervously. "What are you talking about, Dan?"

I was in the middle of a dream. "I mean we didn't make any large purchases in Canada. I don't know about any contraband diamonds or cigars. And I know nothing about the microfilm…" In my dream I was a spy, being chased by other spies.

"What's going on, eh?" said the friendly but stern officer.

"Nothing officer, he's half asleep, ha ha…" Abe was sweating.

"What's your name, eh?"

"Bond. James Bond."

"Uh huh, I see." He wrote something in his pad.

"Dan, what are you talking about? What diamonds? What microfilm?" Abe whispered in a desperate tone.
"Don't act like you don't know, Abe."

"Yeah, Abe, what's this aboot, eh?"

"He's nonsensical, officer. He's half asleep. DAN, WAKE UP!" Abe demanded.

At this point I started playing air guitar and mumbled something about the falcon and the snowman, until Abe finally woke me up.

"Woh, weird dream! Who's this guy?"

"Never mind." Abe turned to the officer, "See, he's alright. Now, do you have everything you need?"

"Well, yes I guess these guys all check out, but you're a bunch of weirdoes you know, eh?"

"Yeah, I know. Well we'll be seeing you next time. So long."

After he left our bus I went back to sleep and continued my dream where I left off, only this time Chris Trapper was James Bond and Adam from Matchbox Twenty was Dr. No. I played Vicente Fox, president of Mexico, who, for some reason in my dream, was a nemesis to both of them.

When I finally woke up, in America, I stumbled out into the main lounge to find Moyer watching another Bruce Lee movie. So I watched for a little while. What I really like about these movies is all the sound effects when the actors fight. After studying the movie for a while, I figured out where the sound effects came from:

* Karate chop to the head = a wood paddle slapped against the rear of an elephant
* Kick to the head = three law books dropping on a linoleum floor
* Kick to the body = three law books dropping on a rug
* Punch to the body = Reggie Jackson swinging a baseball bat against a side of beef
* A missed Karate chop = the sound of shaking the sand off a beach towel, quickly
* Elbow to the back = Twenty tortilla chips being crunched at once
* Punch to the groin = A gong cymbal
* Kick to the groin = A louder gong cymbal
* Every other noise = Fifty cats "making love" at the same time

Moyer was not amused with my commentary, mainly because he was trying to follow the "plot" and didn't want to be bothered. I went back to sleep.

Before our show in Norfolk, Chris had the idea to cover the Matchbox Twenty song "The Difference" as a tribute to the band. It's the last song on their album and it's the only one that they don't play live. So we secretly started to learn it. We would go over it in the dressing room then when someone in the band walked in we would act suspicious, hide the guitars and just whistle.

Usually when we were backstage waiting for soundcheck we'd play this paddle game, kind of like tennis but without the net, court, or need for any athletic ability whatsoever - essentially making it the perfect game for our band. But it did catch on and there were some fierce competitions. Sean and Leila from the Matchbox crew were occasionally seen back in our dressing room playing a game here or there. Chris was the self-proclaimed champion although there never was a tournament of any kind and he didn't actually win any games, which is usually required to be a champ. Besides, since he made up the game he made up the rules as he went. I'm still contesting that one rule in Morgantown that states: "If your name is Dan, you automatically lose." I was just about to win that one, too.

OTHER GAMES WE PLAYED ON THE ROAD TO PASS THE TIME

"Guess what's rotting in the fridge"
"Beer bottle bowling"
"Onion ring toss"
"Stump the driver"
"Compute the Canadian exchange rate!" (hours of fun)
"Name that bodily odor"
"Count the faucet drips"
"Hit your head with a hammer" (last one standing wins)
"Spit the peanut"
"Rest stop hide and seek"
"Staring contest while thumb wrestling"
"Full contact Go Fish"

Well, we finally made it to Reading, PA for our last show of the tour. It's a nice town. I now regret never buying the Reading Railroad in Monopoly. I realize now that it would've been a wise investment - definitely better than that dump on Baltic Ave. Oh well, you live and learn.

So the last show is here. We already felt how much we were going to miss this tour. It wasn't so much the big crowds, big stages or awesome deli trays that we would miss; we'd miss this group of people we were touring with. We could feel that there was something special about this band and crew. They're like a family that we were temporarily taken in by - like we were a foster-band. In such a short time we made friendships that we'd never forget.

So we gave "The Difference" one more quick rehearsal in the dressing room, still trying to be covert about the whole thing. When it came to show time, Chris announced that as a tribute to Matchbox Twenty we would attempt to cover this song that we "just learned last night" (he wasn't exaggerating). We started playing it, so far so good. As Chris sang the opening line, a lot of people reacted like they knew the song and started cheering. Okay, that's a good sign - at least this is recognizable. After the first chorus, though, a loud cheer erupted from the crowd. I didn't see what was going on so I thought, "Wow, they really like the way we're playing this. Cool!" What I didn't see was Rob Thomas sneaking up on stage behind me and walking to Chris' mic. I'll tell you I never saw so much energy and cameras going off. Rob continued to sing the rest of the song; it is his song so I guess he had the right. Chris sang harmonies and the rest, as they say, is history. What a way to end the tour.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. What can I say - we had a blast. We've met a lot of new friends out there and we hope we see them again. We also hope to play arenas this size again; the experience was amazing and we'll never forget it. Besides, Abe is really missing his rice dream. But now that we know what it's like to tour like that, we have something to shoot for. Meanwhile, we're taking this experience as just another part of the crazy Push Stars journey, and we're always taking you with us. So on behalf of the band, Moyer, Abe, and Pete - we'll see you soon and thanks for the memories.


October 2, 2003: On Tour with Matchbox Twenty--Part I

Wednesday afternoon, during another power-lunch with my banker in Santa Monica, I received a call from Abe, our new manager.

Abe was breathing heavy. "Dan, you sitting down? I got some great news."

"What's up, Abe? I'm in a meeting at the bank right now…"

"You mean you're arguing with the bank teller about your overdrawn fees again, right?"

"Well…"

"Listen, forget about that. We got offered a bunch of opening dates on the Matchbox Twenty tour starting in a week. Can you do it?"

"Oh. Well. I see. That sounds very interesting. I have to check my schedule. Abe could you hold on a sec?"

I cupped the phone with my hand. "WOOHOOO, YEAHHH, ALRIGHT!!!!"

Back on the phone to Abe, "Yeah, I guess we could consider it."

"I heard you holler, Dan. You're not fooling anyone. So, anyway, I guess I'll take that as a yes, right?"

"Uh, yes."

By the next day we had a crew, a bus, T-shirts, CD's, a publicist, and no clue how we were going to tour arenas. Regardless, we had to make it a reality with no real time to plan it, and especially, no label for support. But who needs label support when you have a great network of family and friends who basically said, "You're NOT passing this opportunity up! What can we do?"  So we made it happen, with their help, and here we are: out on the road with Matchbox Twenty. Who could have guessed it?

By the way, I have to mention that had it not been for the leap of faith and tireless efforts of our gregarious producer, Greg Collins, the incredible Matt Beck wouldn't have played on our record and Matchbox Twenty would never even have heard our music or asked us to tour with them. But seriously, how cool are they to ask a band with no label deal or CD release to open for them, basically because they just like our music? It really put some of my faith back in the music business. So, for the record, we are very grateful to Greg and the band for giving us this golden opportunity. Thanks!

The first thing we had to do was rent a van to drive all of our equipment from L.A. to Tallahassee - in 2 days. So Ryan, Moyer, and I got started driving. Moyer is a friend of ours from L.A. who agreed to come on tour and stage tech. He's actually a very talented drummer who had some time off in L.A. and was looking for an adventure. Even though this type of drive would normally make Moyer sad, he was still up for it. So, yes driving to Florida in two days is an adventure. But man, what a long drive.

One time, late at night on Interstate 10, I was driving and starting to get very tired. All of a sudden what appeared to be a large white squirrel darted across the highway. It was the size of a small dog, like a Scottish terrier. I shook my head, knowing that I had to be hallucinating. I looked over at Moyer to ask if he saw it too, but Moyer wasn't there. Instead there was the same large white squirrel sitting in the passenger seat, chewing on an acorn. So I asked him what was the deal with all these acorns and why do they feel the need to hide them all the time? Who else is going to eat their precious acorns? What are they so scared of? Nobody likes acorns, except for squirrels - so why do they hoard them? It was something I had always wanted to know, and now I had the chance to ask one of them in person. But Moyer just turned to me and said, "Dan, I think it's my turn to drive. First of all, I'm not a squirrel, and secondly I'm eating potato chips, not acorns. Pull over."

Okay, so after Moyer drove we made it in one piece to Tallahassee. We loaded our equipment onto our bus (yes, our first bus - more on that later), and picked up Abe, now our tour manager, from the airport and had a rehearsal with Matt Beck (guitarist/keyboardist for MB20). It sounded great, or I should say Matt sounded great. Ryan, Chris and I sounded a little rusty. Kind of like a bunch of 3-year-olds banging on pots and pans and blowing whistles. It had been almost a year since we toured. Abe was worried. Matt was worried. The bus driver was worried. The guy who delivered us a pizza was worried. Moyer was just sad. But by the end of rehearsal we got it all back. We were running on pure adrenalin, and we knew we could pull it off. We had to pull it off. There would be, oh I don't know, six thousand people there the next day. Why worry, it'll be fine.

The first day of the tour was overwhelming, of course, but the crew made everyone feel welcome and offered us all the help we needed. They were so, I mean SO nice. Almost suspiciously nice, like they were luring us into a trap - like the Hotel California or something. I mean, we thought, who could be this friendly? There has to be a catch. Then we met the band. They were even nicer! I thought about running. If we go now, maybe we can escape. You have to understand something: headlining acts and their crew are generally NOT nice to the openers. I'm telling you everyone involved with this group treated us with the utmost kindness and made our first show go so smoothly it was almost spooky. Spooky good-spooky, of course.

It was great, getting out there and playing the first show - so much positive energy around. The crowd reaction was awesome. Matt Beck was amazing. He played the guitar, mandolin, piano and the melodica (you have to see it to believe it). It's unbelievable how much talent he has, and what a great guy too. He learned our whole set and then still played two hours with Matchbox, who went up there and did an amazing show (and as I've come to find out, happens every night). During their set, Rob Thomas told the crowd how much he loves our CD and some other nice compliments. We were thrilled to be standing at the side of the stage when he said it, hearing the crowd go wild. Thanks, Rob! You da man!

So, now with the first show under our belt, it was time to hit the road in our bus. We needed to get a bus to keep up with the tour, but we also really felt like we deserved to use one, finally, after all these years of touring in a van. It's a funny thing, though. After a couple days in it, we realized we were really in a glorified mobile home. We've always been so impressed by tour busses, but in reality if you parked the thing somewhere for more than a day, you'd probably come out wearing sweat pants and no shirt, holding a can of Bud and shielding your eyes from the blinding camera light of the "Cops" crew. But hey, people are impressed with it, so whatever. The best part is not having to drive. That's where Pete, our sometimes surly, sometimes gleeful, but always dependable bus driver comes in. Pete has a lot of stories about other bands, especially Slayer. Yeah, the Slayer stories are great. Good times. Good times.

The other night in Boston, our home town, as we were getting ready for our biggest show of the tour, some practical joker tried to sue us. That's right, some actor in a rented cop uniform tried to pull it off by bringing these bogus papers into the dressing room. It was hilarious, and they almost fooled us had it not been for the obvious ineptitude of the constable serving us the papers. What a clown, he didn't even know our names or anything. He was asking the security guard if he was in the band. We were in a riot. It was so funny it cheered us up and made us put on our best show yet. I think the idea of the prankster was to say "Congrats on our success - you're going to get more success and that means you're probably going to get sued a lot," or something, which is actually a nice sentiment. Anyway, we threw the papers out, which were all just scritch-scratch mumbo jumbo, and got on with the show. It was a packed house at the Tweeter Center and the crowd went nuts. Greg Collins, our producer, got up and played two songs with us: "Every Angel" and "Waiting, Watching, Wishing."  He played great and looked even greater. Then, once again Rob came out and gave us a great plug - the nicest of the tour. Afterwards, the Matchbox guys gave us a bottle of champagne to celebrate. We had a great time, definitely a highlight of the tour! Sued! Ha! That's great!

The Portland show was fun, too. The crowd especially seemed to like the song "Freedom."  They were clapping along at one point. Or maybe they were applauding during the song, thinking, "Maybe if we applaud early, they'll stop early."  I don't know. Either way, it's always good when they clap. Except when you say, "This is our last song," and they cheer. That's bad. But usually applause is good.

When we were finished there was a line longer than we had ever seen for autographs. It was unbelievable. At one point we contemplated using a stamp of our signature but thought that might be a little "impersonal."  So we got writer's cramp, who's complaining? It was great. And we'd never had any luck in Portland. After the show we went to the first place outside of Boston we've ever "toured" to: Geno's. We shot some pool and had some beers while three people watched the band that was playing, just like at our first gig. That made Moyer sad.

So we're in Halifax now, eh? But we had to cross the boarder, you know, eh? And we had to declare our merchandise don't cha know, eh? Luckily, there were no axe murderers on the bus (that we knew of. I had my doubts about Abe, but he was clean). I don't quite know the currency exchange yet and I paid $14 dollars for a slice of pizza, but it could have been only 35 cents, or it could have been $2.75. I have no idea, but it was good, and worth it just the same.

So tomorrow night is the Halifax show and we're all looking forward to it. Luckily, we just missed the Hurricane - "Juan," and the concert venue is still standing so there will be a show. I'll be in touch soon, with some updates and further enlightenment to the mystery surrounding Moyer and Abe, Matt Beck, Ryan, Chris, the Matchbox boys and a whole bunch of Canadians. So, stay tuned! Eh?


.






10.26.2002
PARTIAL ANALYSIS AND EVALUATION OF THE
PSYCHIATRIC HEALTH OF THE PUSH STARS 

by Dr. Sigmund P. Kraus

Monday, October 26, 2002
South Easton, MA.
Blackthorne Tavern 

The Evaluation 

One of the fringe benefits of playing in a band is that you sometimes get gifts from enthusiastic fans who want to help out. These gifts can range from home-baked cookies to discount dental work or perhaps an occasional pair of socks. But the other night we got an offer to beat them all. It seems there was an esteemed Psychiatrist from Boston in the audience and, not to be outdone, offered us all a free psychiatric evaluation based on our live show. We graciously accepted and as we played he scribbled furiously on his clipboard, studying us with a keen eye.

PART I
Initial Observations 

Previous to this evaluation, it was my pre-conceived impression that these musicians, collectively known as the Push Stars, were endowed with a general physical attractiveness required for performers of this nature. This assumption was loosely based on the offhand remarks overheard from several comely female attendants sitting near my table. However, upon seeing the band appear on stage, it became obvious to me that this hearsay describing their attractiveness was at best fictitious, if not downright asinine. Furthermore, it was apparent that the females dispelling the gushing commentary were woefully and irreversibly deluded.


PART II
Secondary Observations 

               Notwithstanding the musical group's unappealing physical nature, I found their music quite pleasing to the ear. Except, however, the initial high-pitched squawk coming from the public-address system, which besides contributing to my already deteriorating hearing ability, did not serve to bolster my confidence in the band's professionalism. The music continued soon thereafter, but only with a slightly less cacophonous tone than the initial assault that I endured. Moreover, I must say that I perceived the bass player Dan McLoughlin's ostentatious overplaying on the four-stringed instrument as a desperate cry for attention; an urgent need to overcome a sense of inferiority about something he may lack. I suspect he was picked on as a child and is now overcompensating by playing too many superfluous notes. Perhaps all the extra A Flats or D Sharps make the statement "Iım not going to take it anymore!"

                The lead singer, Chris Trapper, seems to be more of the wild, reckless type. This was made evident by the constant flopping of his hair into a frenzy during the performance, with the mass of it usually covering his face. It is my contention that Trapper, though apparently unabashed, secretly desires to create a "mask" to hide his face from the world; a disguise made of strands of hair, lest his true emotions be discovered. Ironically, weaved within his lyrics are themes of bodily exposure (i.e. "Šme and my friends swimming naked in the lake". etc. etc) It is this contrast between his own shyness and a desire to be defrocked that feeds his artistic temperament.

Furthermore, a Freudian interpretation of Trapper's lyrics and body language suggests that the singer may have unresolved conflicts pertaining to his guitar, itself a symbol of his own virility. It is with the fervor that Trapper "strums" which may explain many of the singer's unresolved psychosexual conflicts, particularly those that manifest themselves in the song "Me". Also I feel it necessary to note that the aforementioned song was a crowd favorite, leading me to suspect that many members of the audience are long overdue for their own psychiatric evaluation.

The drummer, Ryan MacMillan, held a steadfast and deliberate beat. Confined within the boundaries of a metronomic pulse, it seemed that MacMillan's unfettered nature was in constant turmoil. While he seemed to be enjoying himself, it appeared that a major concern was weighing heavily on his mind. As I studied him, I noticed that this inner conflict started to externalize in the form of body language, more specifically squirming. I originally theorized that this embodiment of emotion was spurred by a specific lyric in Trapper's song or perhaps from a deep-seated, repressed feeling that had just surfaced. However, my theory was immediately disproved when the band took a break: MacMillan just had to relieve himself in the rest room.

Scott Leslie is a figurative entanglement of nerves and energy. To begin to analyze him now would mean that I would have to rescind my previous offer of "gratis" and start charging. Double rate. That being said, I find him easily the most talented and best-looking member of the band. However, I insist that he make an appointment to see me and without delay ­ mostly to prevent any more damage by further association with The Push Stars.

In regard to the sound technician, Greg Cotter, one would be hard-pressed to find a more over-worked laborer, bound in servitude to the band every waking moment of the day. I sense within Cotter's anima a tranquility at odds with his tireless work ethic. Conversely, because of repressed trauma due to countless hours of frivolous and pointless demands from every member of the band, he is a veritable walking time bomb ­ ready to blow at the slightest provocation. My advice for him is that he is granted an immediate and fully compensated holiday to the destination of his choice. My suggestion would be Hawaii, as it has long been a favorite of mine.

PART III
Conclusion 

In closing, I must admit that this evaluation proved much more arduous than I had hoped. Therefore, it is with great humility that I concede that the scope of this group's psychiatric needs far exceeds my ability to treat them. It is for this reason that I strongly suggest they consider the option of taking heavy doses of medication.
If this doesn't work, may I also suggest that they surrender to their own lunacy and adopt the philosophy put forward in Joseph Heller's Catch-22?
Whereas it would require an insanity defense to actually leave a touring rock band, ironically, only an insane person has the absence of fear to be in a rock band.
The ultimate irony, however, is that my highly astute observations put forth in this essay will essentially be lost on this band, due to their limited capacity to understand such high concepts. Therefore, I have no other option than to leave them to fend for themselves in their block-headed, illogical and lack-witted existences.
God-speed anyone who comes in contact with them.





               

October 27, 2002. ITHACA, NY. "The Haunt"

TODAY'S MENU

Appetizers

* * *

MacMillan Beet Soup

a delicious blend of savory beets and tender drumsticks, stirred to perfection. Featured in such songs as "Everything Shines" and a tantalizing new version of "Moving Target". $3.95

Trapper's Meltaway Nachos

a healthy portion of tortilla chips topped with cheese and guacamole. Perfect for One Summer Day, or any time of year. $4.95

Kevin French Onion Soup

you don't have to be a booking agent to enjoy this mouthwatering classic. Served in a crock and topped with cheese. 10%/market price

Salads

* * *

Chicken Leslie Salad

a cornucopia of harmonious ingredients, blended together and topped with a generous portion of grilled chicken ala Scott. A long time favorite of Boston Girls everywhere, or even girls from Any Little Town. $7.95

Mr. "Dan"cer's Mixed Green Salad

Everything shines in this salad, from fresh cucumbers to Wild Irish Mushrooms. Any other salad is a Shameless Explanation! $7.95

Entrees

* * *

Baked Atlantic Cotter

a hearty dish, This delicate fish caught during a Maine Hurricane is Slowly baked to perfection on top of an over-heated mixing board. Served with a side of rice pilaf and vegetables. $11.95

Meatloaf on Main Street

just like mom used to make! Youıll be Waiting, Watching and Wishing for this culinary masterpiece. Served with a baked potato. $12.95

McLoughlin's Sea Bass

not bass guitar, bass fish. We take the most tender part of the fish, and pan fry it in Cajun spices that will make you get up, get up, get up, and get down. With prices like this, you donıt have to be a Millionaire to eat like oneŠ$12.95

Desserts

* * *

Trapper's Delight

Wish You Were Cool? Then try this succulent donut, perfectly round and filled with the jelly of your choice. Powdered with a fine confection and served on a piece of wax paper.75 cents

Drinks

* * *

Ryan's Fine Wine

one sip of this and you'll soon agree that a little Drunk is indeed Better Than Dead. A strong red, with all organic grapes. $6.50

Scott's Scotch

want to get drunk, loud and boisterous fast? A couple of these and you'll be ready to Paint the Town. $6.50








Saturday, October 26, 2002.
New York City.
Makor Theatre

A Day in the Life of The Push Stars.

7:00 AM (EST) The band is fast asleep.
7:14 AM Still sleeping.
7:43 AM Sleeping.
8:03 AM Sleeping.
8:26 AM Ryan stirs from his sleep and gets up to pee. Goes back to sleep.
8:34 AM Everyone's sleeping.
8:55 AM Sleeping continues.
9:04 AM Still sleeping.
9:26 AM Greg gets up and throws a pillow at Scott, who is snoring. Goes back to sleep.
9:27 AM Peaceful sleeping resumes.
9:40 AM Sleeping all around.
9:49 AM Scott starts snoring again. Greg sleeps right through it.
10:00 AM Chris' alarm clock goes off. He slams the "snooze" button and goes back to sleep.
10:13 AM Whole band is sleeping.
10:26 AM More sleeping.
10:44 AM The maid bangs on Ryan's door. Ryan doesn't hear her, due to his deep sleeping.
10:52 AM Greg thows the lamp at Scott. Scott doesnıt awake. Greg puts two pillows over his head and resumes sleep.
11:00 AM Dan gets wake-up call. In his dream state he answers and imagines he won a radio contest. The front desk clerk is baffled. Dan goes back to sleep.
11:35 AM Scott gets up and demands that Greg gets up, too. Greg turns on Sports Center.
11:42 AM Chris wakes up.
11:43 AM Chris goes back to sleep. 11:44 AM Scott calls Chris, demanding that he get up.
11:52 AM Ryan wakes up.
11:53 AM Ryan goes back to sleep.
12:00 PM Scott arrives at van for 12 noon departure for NYC.
12:02 PM Greg arrives at the van.
12:17 PM Scott goes into hotel to physically force the band out.
12:22 PM Chris arrives at van. Ryan and Dan still missing.
12:27 PM Ryan arrives at van. Chris goes back in for a free coffee. Dan still missing.
12:34 PM Scott goes looking for Chris. His anger at Dan is slowly rising.
12:42 PM Dan arrives at van, Chris still missing.
12:47 PM Greg goes into hotel to find Scott.
12:52 PM Scott and Chris come out of hotel. Greg now missing.
12:57 PM Dan goes into hotel for free coffee.
1:02 PM Scott goes to look for Dan.
1:10 PM Chris forgets toothbrush, goes back to his room.
1:15 PM Ryan goes in for his free coffee.
1:22 PM Chris locks only set of keys in van.
1:45 PM Triple-A arrives, unlocks doors.
2:06 PM Band finally departs for New York.
2:24 PM Band stops to eat at bar-b-que joint.
2:56 PM Band back on the road.
3:14 PM Pee stop.
3:25 PM Travelling resumes.
3:26 PM Entire band asleep, except Greg who is driving.
7:30 PM Band arrives in New York. Sound man is irate. Ryan orders a pizza.
8:00 PM Sound check.
8:35 PM Band goes to dressing room to "unwind".
8:45 ­ 915 PM Various friends visit band in dressing room. Ryan sleeps through it all.
9:30 PM Opening band, the Churchills, perform set.
10:30 PM Push Stars perform set.
12:00 AM Band finishes. Greg starts to pack up stage. Chris, Ryan, Dan and Scott are at the bar.
12:07 AM Band still drinking.
12:15 AM Drinking.
12:47 AM More drinking.
12:56 AM Drinking continues.
1:09 AM Greg demands that someone help him pack the van.
1:14 AM Scott puts down his drink and helps Greg.
1:35 AM Rest of the band still drinking.
1:46 AM Scott and Greg pack the van.
2:05 AM Band is kicked out of venue.
2:23 AM Band leaves venue.
2:45 AM Arrives at hotel. Scott checks in. Hotel clerk tells him he has no rooms.
3:00 AM Band goes to sleep in van.
3:02 AM Scott starts snoring. Greg beeps the horn to wake him.
3:10 AM Band resumes sleeping.





October 25, 2002.
Rochester, NY.
Milestones

The Band on the Stand
By Dr. Sneuss

The Band's on the Stand
Isn't it grand?
Clap your hands!

See the drummer drum?
Drum, drum, drum
Hey, nice bum!

See the singer sing?
Sing, sing, sing
Bodda boom, Bodda Bing

See the pianist play?
Play, play, play
He's kicking A

See the bassist pluck?
Pluck, pluck, pluck
Throw him a buck

See the soundman mix?
Mix, mix, mix
Pickin' up chicks

See the crowd clap?
Clap, clap, clap
Now it's time for a nap!

Good night!
Sleep tight!






Wednesday, October 23, 2002.
Joyous Lake, Woodstock, NY.

While strolling through the town of Woodstock before our gig, I thought I saw several members of "Gilliganıs Island" walking around, shopping. I thought to myself, "Hmm, I guess they've all finally been rescued from the island." Then I thought to myself, "I hope they come to the show tonight." Well, they did come to the show, all seven of them, and I thought it might be a good idea if they wrote the stories from the road, you know, just to keep things interesting. So before the show started I approached Gilligan and he seemed very open to the idea. Later that night they all convened at the Super 8 in Kingston and this is what they came up withŠ

GILLIGAN: Well, it was really a neat show, wasn't it Skipper?
SKIPPER: Yes it was, little buddy. Very good.
GILLIGAN: Yeah, they sounded like the Mosquitos. Remember the Mosquitos, Skipper?
SKIPPER: Gilligan, they sounded nothing like the Mosqitos!
MR. HOWELL: Well, I thought they were delightful. But confound it man, why did they have to be so loud?
MRS. HOWELL: Oh, Thurston it's this new thing called "Roll and Rock", isn't it wonderful?
MR. HOWELL: I know, Lovey, but I'm partially deaf, now.
GINGER: I think that lead singer is dreamy.
MARYANN: You think everyone's dreamy, slut.
MR. HOWELL: Now, what's that you say about creamy peanut butter?
MRS. HOWELL: No, Thurston darling, Maryann called Ginger a slut. And I must say I agree.
GINGER: You're all jealous because I'm a movie star.
MARYANN: Movie star?? What movie were you in?? Anyway, I think that keyboard player Scott is really cute. And he's a nice mid-western boy, too. (* EDITOR'S NOTE: Scott demanded that I make Maryann have a crush on him)
GINGER: I was in "Return to the Planet of the Apes". I was the ape assistant to Dr. Zaius.
MARYANN: And that makes you a movie star?
MR. HOWELL: I just love creamy peanut butter. Mmmm.
GINGER: And what are you? Youıre not even a farm girl. You're from New Jersey!
GILLIGAN: (makes cat noise) ROWWW! Will you two cut it out, we're supposed to be writing stories from the road for the Push Stars.
PROFESSOR: Gilligan's right, everyone, we have to get down to business. Now, I've constructed a crude word processor from this coconut and some pennies I found in the parking lot.
MARYANN: Professor, I have a Mac laptop. We're off the island now, you don't need to "make" things anymore.
PROFESSOR: What is this "laptop" you speak of?
GINGER: l'll show you!
MARYANN: I bet you will! GINGER: Oh shut up, farm girl wannabe.
MR: HOWELL: Who's a crackpot?
MRS HOWELL: No, dear, laptop, LAPTOP.
PROFESSOR: Well, I don't need one, whatever it is. Now let's see. What was the best part of the show? Gilligan, you first.
GILLIGAN: Gee, okay Professor. The best part was when they played this really cool song but I couldn't remember what it was called, then they played another one, but I couldn't remember that one either, then they jumped around on stage and played some really cool songs and it was really neat.
SKIPPER: Gilligan, you are a real idiot, you know that? A real idiot. There, I said it. Something I wanted to say for a very long time.
GILLIGAN: Oh yeah, well you're a big fat loser. There I said it, too.
PROFESSOR: Cut that out you two. I want to know, what does everyone think of this band?
MARYANN: I think Scott is great!
MRS. HOWELL: I think Dan is delightful.
MR. HOWELL: Steal my lovey, will you? I'll show you!! Now who's this Dan fellow?
GINGER: I think Chris is sexy!
PROFESSOR: I think Ryan is hot! Oops.
MRS. HOWELL: (shocked) Oh my! You're, you're---
MARYANN: ...gay?
PROFESSOR: Well, duh... aren't you wondering why I never hit on you? And God almighty, look at my options on the island - itıs a gay man's personal HELL! Three women and three men I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole!
SKIPPER: Well, excuse me!
GILLIGAN: YEAH!
MR. HOWELL: What's that you say now?
MARYANN: And all this time I thought you didn't like me.
SKIPPER: This is too weird, I'm leaving. (reaches for the door knob)
SKIPPER: Hey, the door's stuck. We're trapped in here!
GILLIGAN: Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you. I broke the lock by accident. I guess we're stranded together again. Hee hee...
SKIPPER: (shakes fist with rage) GILLIGAN!!!

This is all I got out of them. The Skipper went on to give Gilligan a brutal beating and Maryann and Ginger had a cat fight. The good news is that a new TV show spin-off is in the works called "Gilligan's Hotel Room". Stay tuned for more wacky adventures!





Famous Quotes By The Push Stars

"I just realized that "Ore-Ida" potatoes is named from a combination of Oregon and Idaho"
(Ryan MacMillan, November 15, 2002 while driving through Oregon.)

"The Chicago Bears will dominate this year!" (Scott Leslie, August 2002.)

"I used to complain that I had no hat, until I saw a man who had no head."(Dan McLoughlin)

"I'm "tri-sexual". I'll try anything, as long as it's sexual."(Ryan MacMillan)

"I'm not having it. Any of it." (Greg Cotter, after the first night of tour.)

"What is this, pick on Scott day??" (Scott Leslie, daily.)

"I can pin Greg Cotter on a wrestling mat in thirty seconds or less. Who wants to bet me?"
(Chris Trapper, after ten hours in the van. November 20, 2002.)

"Ohio sucks!" (Ryan MacMillan, upon entering the Ohio border.)

"If necessity is the mother of invention then it stands to reason that laziness is the father." (Dan McLoughlin, upon brainstorming a new "battery-free remote control" after watching the same channel for hours in his Iowa City hotel room because the batteries in the remote control died. November 9, 2002.)

"You're cute!" (Scott Leslie, shouted from the window of the van to a girl pumping gas in Twin Falls, Idaho. November 13, 2002.)

"Pennsylvania has the most road-kill." (Ryan MacMillan, on the air in Pittsburgh. November 5, 2002)

"Ba ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba. Ba ba ba." (Chris Trapper)

"Theyıre never going to catch that sniper." (Scott Leslie, October 23, 2002 - the day before the FBI arrested two suspects.)

"Iıll give you three fives for two twenties." (Greg Cotter, shortly before flimflamming Ryan.)

"Everyone is *#&$ing nuts!" (Ryan MacMillan, November 12, 2002)

"A donut a day keeps the blues away." (Chris Trapper. October 25, 2002)

"Sure as the suns melts into the sea, true love was meant to be." (Scott Leslie)




"Have A Nice Day"

This tour has seen some of the longest drives that we've ever done and while we are having a great time, sometimes so much time in the van can turn us into real grouches and we end up saying things we don't really mean. Like the other day, Scott asked Ryan to turn up the radio and Ryan pulled it out of the dashboard and smashed it over Scott's head, saying "There! Is that loud enough for you??" We all thought that was a little extreme and have since decided that we have to start being a little nicer to each other. In order to achieve that goal, we felt that we needed to create a special day to focus on being more civil. That day was yesterday, and we called it "Nice Day".

On "Nice Day" the goal was to take the ordinary expressions we say every day and just "rephrase" them so we don't offend the party we are addressing. It took some practice, but as the day wore on we found that the new attitude created a lighter and more stress free atmosphere.
During the day, I took the liberty to transcribe some examples of these "paraphrased niceties", in case anyone at home would like to try to have their own "Nice Day". We liked it so much, we might try it again today. Who knows, maybe it'll catch on.

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
Why don't you just shut up, I'm so sick of hearing your stupid voice!
TRY SAYING:
I do apologize to inconvenience you like this, but my ears are growing weary from the excessive noise in here. I would really appreciate it if you could lower the volume of your voice, or perhaps limit your talking to a minimum so I can rest my ears. That way, I can be of better service to you when my hearing is back to normal!

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
You're a no-good son-of-a-bitch. I never liked you! You suck!
TRY SAYING:
I mean you no offense by this, but I find your personality to be disagreeable with mine. While there are no doubt numerous good qualities to your being, I for one don't recognize any of them, nor do I recall ever being aware of them since I've known you.

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
You stink!
TRY SAYING:
I must apologize for my overly acute olfactory sense. Unfortunately, it has detected a pungent odor believed to be emanating from your direction. Whether or not this suspicion is accurate I can't say, but it is for your own protection and health benefit that I alert you to the possibility that you may be creating the unpleasant smell.

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
You're a F&%#ing JERK!
TRY SAYING:
Lately, I find that you aren't reaching your full potential as a positive contributor to society. Please accept this constructive criticism, as it is meant with only the most noble and heartfelt intentions.

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
Get the hell out of my face!
TRY SAYING:
Please excuse me, but I'm trying to get through the door. I'm afraid I'll trample you if you stay in my path any longer, so it is for your own protection that you remove yourself immediately. Thank you so much.

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
You're full of crap!
TRY SAYING:
I heartily disagree with your last statement. Although I respect your right to your opinion, I find it contrasts sharply with my view on the matter. I also suspect that the source of most of your information is, though perhaps through no fault of your own, entirely bogus.

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
You're nuts!
TRY SAYING:
I highly suspect that you are enduring psychological trauma, which, unfortunately, is starting to manifest itself in the form of the erratic behavior you have been displaying lately. I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course!

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
You're a real pain in the ass!
TRY SAYING:
You present a real challenge to me, so much so that it is creating a physical discomfort in my rear end.

INSTEAD OF SAYING:
Duuuhhhh, doiyyyy look at me I'm stupid, duuuuuihhhh!!!
TRY SAYING:
You look very nice today!

INSTEAD OF:
Jamming a pen into someone's neck in a fit of blind rage.
TRY:
Taking that pen and writing something nice about that person.

INSTEAD OF:
Smashing an ice cream cone in someone's face.
TRY:
Giving them a lick!




THE PUSH STARS INFOMERCIAL

The other day while driving through Texas, Ryan was telling us all about this really cool infomercial he watched the night before. I think it was the new "pasta pot" that has a drain built right into the lid, or something.
Anyway, Ryan was really excited about the invention and described in detail its magnificence for a very long time (from Abilene to Fort Worth, to be exact). As I listened, I started to realize how powerful and convincing infomercials really are. Then it hit us - we should make our own infomercial! We could air it on late night TV and sell millions of records.
Now, imagine you just finished watching Conan and you don't feel quite like going to sleep yet. So you start flipping around and you see Don Lapree with a gigantic grin on his face and shouting...

Don Lapree: (very excited) Thank you for joining us! You know, you may look at me and say, ""This guy has it all: looks, money, brains - how did he do it?"
Well, you may not know this about me, but I used to live in a ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT! I used to wash dishes in my bathtub and eat dry cat food! I couldn't even afford the wet kind!
Then one day I took these tiny little ads out in the newspaper!!
Candy, the blonde assistant: (overly shocked) WOW, that's all you did??
Don: That's right, Candy! Now I'm worth MILLIONS!!!
Candy: Well, what did the ads say?
Don: I'm very glad you asked, Cindy! Very glad! It was very simple - they said "BUY THE PUSH STARS RECORDS!"
Candy: (perplexed) But, I'm confused. Who are the Push Starts?
Don: No, Push Stars, PUSH STARS, Sandy. They are a pop-rock group from Boston, Massachusetts. They have a great new sound that ANYONE can sell!! Just by placing these TINY LITTLE ADS in newspapers anywhere. Now look at me, a MILLIONAIRE, overnight!!
Candy: Wow, Don that's amazing!
Don: I AM amazing, Mandy. You're right! But you know who's more amazing than me?
Candy: Who?
Don: The PUSH STARS, that's who! You know, I bet you're thinking, "I couldn't do this - that music doesn't sell! Who would want to buy this band's music?"
Well, I'm telling you, you're wrong. That's right, anyone can do it. Just by placing these tiny little ads!!
Candy: Wow, that's amazing!
Don: Right again, Lindsay. I am amazing! Let me ask you a question - are you attracted to me?
Candy: Wha-?
Don: Of course you are! You know why? Because I'm RICH and successful, that's why? But I wasn't always like that, you know. I was a geek, just like the guys in the PUSH STARS!
Candy: You were??
Don: Yup! And now my life is perfect! Just because of these TINY LITTLE ADS...
Candy: But weren't you in jail?
Don: Well, let's not talk about that. Anyway...
Billy Mays: You bet he was in jail, for FRAUD. Hey, BILLY MAYS, here, and I've got a great new invention for you!
Don: Who the HELL are you? You walk around and act like everyone's heard of you.
Billy: I'm Billy Mays! Everyone knows who I am.
George Forman: I DON'T. Anyhow, none of these products can compete with the PUSH STARS GRILL.
Don: Yeah, anyway by putting these tiny little...
George: Shut the hell up, you little twerp. Before I shut you up - and I CAN!
Ron Popeil: Hey, there's no need to get violent. Now, have you guys seen the new PUSH STARS PASTA MACHINE? Hey, what's your name?
Candy: (blushing) I'm Candy.
Don: Hey, hands off RON-CO. She's mine!
Candy: You don't even know my name, "frauderer"!!
Billy: Hello, Billy Mays, here, with another great product - PUSH STARS GLO. It removes anything!
Ron: Who the hell is Billy Mays?
George: I don't know, but I don't like him. I'll knock him out!
Don: Hey, everyone, this is MY infomercial. Everyone out, out, OUT!
Ron: No one tells the infomercial KING when to leave. Now I'm leaving - because I WANT to.
George: Me too, but I'll be back, punk!
Billy: So will I. That's me: BILLY MAYS! Hey, did you hear about my new all-purpose knife?
Don: Beat it! No one likes you! Now, back to the Push Stars. With my simple program ANYONE can get rich, overnight!!
Candy: Can I do it?
Don: No, not you. But pretty much anyone with half a brain can!
Candy: Awww.
Don: Don't worry, Brandy, you're still very pretty! Anyway, thanks for joining me everyone. And remember, if you just follow my simple program, you too can find a way to be a MILLIONAIRE!!
Candy: Hey, that sounds like a song!
Don: You're right! Maybe someone should write one someday. Well, GOODBYE EVERYONE! See you next time!







THE PUSH STARS GUIDE TO EATING ON THE ROAD

Food. You can't live without it. However, we could probably live a little longer by not eating most of the food that's available on the road. Unfortunately, we don't have much of a choice most of the time and we have to make the best of what's out there, which is usually a place that offers a "value meal". Sometimes, though, with a little creativity you can create a healthy, gourmet meal out of the simplest fast food fare. We thought we'd share some of our secrets for making eating bearable on the road, or anywhere for that matter.

Turn a Big Mac and fries into......
PRIME RIB WITH MASHED POTATOES
AND A SIDE SALAD

Take beef patties off buns and cut into squares, piling them on top of one another. Mash them together until they form a square, juicy mass. With enough pressure, the meat will eventually take on the consistency of a delicious, center-cut steak.
Chop the French fries into small pieces and mash them together. Stir in a half-and-half from the coffee bar. Mix well and season with salt and pepper.
Take the lettuce and tomato off the sandwich and toss for the side salad. Ask the counter person for a dipping sauce (such as Ranch) to use for dressing. Use the buns as dinner rolls (optional). Ask for some pats of butter.
Enjoy the feast!

Turn a Taco Bell Burrito Supreme into....
A SIZZLING STEAK FAJITA

Take a hubcap off the van and wash off in the rest room.
Wearing protective gloves, place the hubcap on the engine block of the van. (Make sure the engine is still very hot)
Go to Taco Bell and order a Burrito Supreme (* Chicken may be substituted.)
Take contents out of the tortilla shell and place on a plate.
Ask for a side of chopped onions and peppers from Subway. (There's usually one nearby. If not, check the hot dog fixings station at the convenient store)
By now the hubcap should be sizzling hot. Put one or two hot sauce packets on the hubcap first.
Now place the meat, onions and peppers on the hubcap.
Watch it sizzle!
Serve hot, with a side of rice and beans.

Turn a Kentucky Fried Chicken Three Piece Meal into...
CHICKEN PICCATA WITH RICE PILAF
AND MIXED VEGETABLES

Take skin off chicken and discard, or offer to Ryan or someone like Ryan who eats as much as they want and never gains any weight.
Pull white meat off bones and flatten. Pound out with a spoon until wafer-thin.
You get two sides with the three-piece meal. Ask for rice and mixed vegetables.
Take four lemon wedges from the drink station (by the iced tea).
Crumple up the biscuit and cover the chicken with a thin breading.
Squeeze lemons generously over chicken.
Get chopped parsley and chives from the server. Lie and tell them you need it for your baked potato.
Fluff rice with a fork; mix in chopped parsley and season with salt and pepper.
Put four pats of butter over chicken. When melted, stir together with chives (as a substitute for capers).
Douse chicken with white wine. (Beer may be used as a substitute, or any alcohol for that matter. If you're traveling in a band you probably have some in the van).
Stir the mixed vegetables with butter and lightly season.
ENJOY!